Heinz Introduces New Crystal Ketchup

Since 1876, Heinz Tomato Ketchup (you know, as opposed to Banana Ketchup), has been a pantry staple all across the world. It’s hard to imagine some of our favorite foods without it, like sandwiches or French fries but not hot dogs because anyone who does that shit after the age of 9 should be made into Asshole Sauce. And if you ever put ketchup on a pizza, you should be hunted for sport but not meat because not even Heinz’s delicious tomato sauce could make your rotten flesh palatable to any human with a soul. Where were we? Oh yes, so, after more than 130 years on the market, Heinz is shaking things up with their all new Crystal Ketchup.

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