Socks – they aren’t just for filling with batteries and taking them to Eagles games. Socks, or “foot condoms,” put a protective barrier between our naked bodies and the insides of our shoes to help keep things nice and professional between the two. But the question remains: are they also appropriate attire during sex proper? And the answer remains: yes, but not every sock’s the same. In fact, every sock color/pattern sends out a different signal to your partner about the style of your lovemaking. Here are some examples:
On the latest episode of the hit reality show The Real Idols Of America Got Voices, the whole world held its breath, then quietly vomited in their mouths, when Jerry Burgle took the stage. At 450lbs and with a face that only a mother could use to fend off wild animals, everyone naturally assumed that Jerry was there to commit suicide on live television after accidentally catching a glimpse of himself in a puddle of grease that was also his breakfast that morning. But then the man-o-lard started to sing.
Getting your hair cut is basically just like taking a shit: you just got to do it from time to time, and whatever the end result, you just quickly look it over before going: “Yeah, whatever, that’s fine.” Also, both activities can be easily ruined by someone trying to have a conversation with you. But some hairdressers don’t get it. Some hairdressers ask you about your day. No, no, no. I grew this hair out in total silence and that’s how I want it cut. How do you make that happen, though? Well, have you considered having the following things tattooed right on your goddamn face?
There inevitable comes a time when you and your best friend share a very special moment. It’s early evening, you are in good moods, maybe you’ve had some beers, and you’ve just finished talking for an hour about the many ways that Batman is unrealistic. And then someone says: what if there was a mic between us? What if you recorded all your talks and put them up online so that everyone knows that there’s no way Bruce Wayne could have kept his Batman identity a secret. It’s such a big step, though. How can you be sure it’s the right time, or even the right thing to do? This how:
Since 1876, Heinz Tomato Ketchup (you know, as opposed to Banana Ketchup), has been a pantry staple all across the world. It’s hard to imagine some of our favorite foods without it, like sandwiches or French fries but not hot dogs because anyone who does that shit after the age of 9 should be made into Asshole Sauce. And if you ever put ketchup on a pizza, you should be hunted for sport but not meat because not even Heinz’s delicious tomato sauce could make your rotten flesh palatable to any human with a soul. Where were we? Oh yes, so, after more than 130 years on the market, Heinz is shaking things up with their all new Crystal Ketchup.
Guys! GUYS! My neighbor has just gotten a new puppy and it’s the cutest thing in the whole world. I can’t even begin to describe how adorable that tiny little dog is! I can only tell you that every time I look at it, I want to literally die. Every encounter with that creature makes me want to cease to exist, just POOF, evaporate and have my consciousness removed from the fabric of the multiverse. I want to literally become nothingness and join in the Void. That’s how cute that dog is!
Honey, baby, girl, sugar, desk, carpet, lightbulb, wallpaper, TV… sorry, I got distracted there for a second. But baby, what I’m trying to say is that I’m not like the other guys. I know you’ve heard differently but I need you to believe me now: you’ve never met anyone else like me AND IT SHOULD FREAK YOU OUT. I don’t know what I am but I know that I’m not like the other guys because I might not even be human. Please help me…