E-Mail Signatures To Make Your Life Seem More Interesting

Whenever someone sees that “Sent from my iPhone” signature at the bottom of your e-mails, they instantly have a total body oil change as they cry, jizz, and crap their pants out of awe and jealousy. It’s the greatest power symbol out there, a reminder to everyone else that you are better than they are, no matter how many times this month you had to raid old mousetraps for food because you spent all your money on an iPhone. But it can all get so repetitive. Sure, “Sent from my iPhone” tells people you’re interesting, witty, charming, and smarter than they are, but it doesn’t give them any details. So maybe consider changing your signature to one of the following:

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LEAVE ME ALONE, DUOLINGO OWL! I DON’T KNOW WHERE CORTES’ TREASURE IS BURIED!

How did it end up like this? When I first downloaded Duolingo, all I wanted to do was to brush up on my Spanish for the upcoming trip to Tijuana so I could… legal things. Just totally normal legal things. I wanted to can do them. No more questions. Oh, it was great at the start. Duo, the app’s little green owl thing, would ask me how to say “3 apples, please” or remind me if I missed a lesson. But then things changed. Duo changed.

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Most Kids Today Don’t Know What VHS Is, Those ABSOLUTE IDIOTS

When the Video Home System first came out in the late ‘70s, it changed how people across the world consumed entertainment but young people today don’t know that because they all suck! You can try and explain to them that the idea of being able to record TV programming and watching it when you wanted to was revolutionary at the time, but their stupid, dumb brains just won’t get it. If you even showed them a VHS tape, they wouldn’t instantly know what it was. God, don’t you just want to hit them with your car and make donuts over their mangled corpses?!

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