It’s never too early to get started on this year’s Halloween costume and obviously you cannot go as something you like. Joy? Enjoyment? FUN? Oh I’m sorry, have you not been paying attention to the news, buddy/budette? The world is a raging dumpster fire of clown corpses with Nazi armbands. There is no more goodness left on the planet. All we have left is detached irony to stop everyone from noticing we’re crying and dying on the inside. So dress up as the fucking Mueller Report or something. Here’s how:
“There, all fixed,” the bipartisan committee shouted as they ran away and threw the crumpled draft of the new Oath of Office for Muslims at the gathered reporters. Here it is in its entirety:
People on both sides of the aisle, and even within the aisles themselves, have been clashing about the so-called Green New Deal – a set of proposed economic stimulus programs meant to fight off the devastating effects of global warming. Due to accumulation of greenhouse gasses in the atmosphere, it’s feared that the planet’s climate will change drastically until it eventually becomes uninhabitable to humans. But new research seems to suggest that industrial activity alone is not enough to hurt Earth. You’d need more. Like a ludicrously gigantic, red stick of dynamite.
The lack of a physical barrier between the United States and Mexico is an open invitation for human traffickers. I don’t think most of them even want to kidnap humans but they just see all those open spaces and it’s like something inside them just snaps. People who would have otherwise been bankers, surgeons or whatever stare at where a wall would be and before they know it, they’re driving up to the US with people tied up in their trunks. This is how it usually looks like:
The entire country is still talking about the shocking scandal that threatens to shake up the political landscape and put some very powerful people out of a job or even in jail. But the question is… why? Why are we still talking about it? It’s like none of you people have seen the brilliant political cartoon from my preferred newspaper of choice making fun of the whole debacle. It’s over. The whole thing’s done. For God’s sake, the cartoonist drew that one person with BIG TEETH!