Few people are ever truly happy with how they look. We all have that one part of ourselves that we would like to get rid of. For some of us, it’s the second, blind face on the backs of our heads that tells us to go outside and collect pigeons (WHY, Clarence? We already have way too many!) while for others, it might be some of their extra weight. Let’s talk about the second one for now. Here are a few tips for getting skinny, extra fast:
Getting your hair cut is basically just like taking a shit: you just got to do it from time to time, and whatever the end result, you just quickly look it over before going: “Yeah, whatever, that’s fine.” Also, both activities can be easily ruined by someone trying to have a conversation with you. But some hairdressers don’t get it. Some hairdressers ask you about your day. No, no, no. I grew this hair out in total silence and that’s how I want it cut. How do you make that happen, though? Well, have you considered having the following things tattooed right on your goddamn face?
Dear young people in the last year of their 20s: it’s going to be alright. I know things might be looking a bit scary right now, but your 30s are nothing to be afraid of. You will just have to get used to a few new things. Like cauliflower. Mainly cauliflower. Actually, it’s pretty much just cauliflower. It’s soon going to be the only thing in your life. Rice? That’s out, cauliflower is in. Mashed potatoes? Oh, did you mean mashed cauliflower? No? Well you’re still getting it. But it won’t end there.
Nothing matters, man. The planet is dying, all the institutions that once felt unshakeable now look like they’re standing on feet of clay, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Capitalism is killing our souls as we sell ourselves into servitude in a system that doesn’t value us at all. It’s just all so bleak and hopeless and no one has any idea how to fix it. Fuck it, put some spaghetti in a jar, I don’t care.
Homeownership is the quintessential part of the American dream. It’s not just a purchase or an investment. It’s a rite of passage and a test of character. When you OWN a house, you have to take care of it on your own, tend to it, and someday maybe even pass it on to your descendants. That’s how you build legacies. But a new study from the Gedoff Mylawn Research Center has shown that over 90% of murdered millennials do not currently own any real-estate.
Modern life is hectic. It’s perfectly normal to feel a bit overwhelmed by the hustle and bustle of everything that’s going on around us. But it’s actually very easy to get a grip on it and bring some order to your life. And, as with most things, true change only comes from within, so let’s talk about tidying and organizing your internal organs.
After the success of such national awareness campaign as No-Shave November or No Decapitation December, Americans everywhere have found a new craze. Starting on January 1st, people across the country are giving up Jafmtug. Let’s look at this phenomenon more closely.