The late ‘90s/early 2000s really were the best time. They had the best music, films, cartoons, and it was around that time that the Black Office of the shadow world government finally got funding for their mind-control experiment. 1,000,000 gallons of proprietary chemical cocktails in the world water supply later and it looks like Project X has been a total success. For the most part. We are still occasionally getting reports of people who seem to remember what REALLY happened 20+ years ago, so let’s do a test, OK? If you recall any of the following 1990s/2000s cartoons, then please report to the nearest Black Office operative for immediate termination. Your cooperation is greatly appreciated.
Few people are ever truly happy with how they look. We all have that one part of ourselves that we would like to get rid of. For some of us, it’s the second, blind face on the backs of our heads that tells us to go outside and collect pigeons (WHY, Clarence? We already have way too many!) while for others, it might be some of their extra weight. Let’s talk about the second one for now. Here are a few tips for getting skinny, extra fast:
Vaccination is one of the most controversial topics of the modern age. Everyone, from scientists with centuries of experience and research behind them to your hot yoga instructor who believes daily showers ruin your aura, seems to have an opinion on vaccines. It’s literally impossible to tell who is right here. Or is it? Think about: has a scientist ever “found himself” during a deeply spiritual climb to the top of Kilimanjaro? How many Buddhist prayer beads do you think your doctor owns? If that’s not enough to make you reconsider vaccines for your kids, then maybe these legitimate, well thought-out arguments will:
Dear young people in the last year of their 20s: it’s going to be alright. I know things might be looking a bit scary right now, but your 30s are nothing to be afraid of. You will just have to get used to a few new things. Like cauliflower. Mainly cauliflower. Actually, it’s pretty much just cauliflower. It’s soon going to be the only thing in your life. Rice? That’s out, cauliflower is in. Mashed potatoes? Oh, did you mean mashed cauliflower? No? Well you’re still getting it. But it won’t end there.
I can’t believe no one thought of this before. We all know the saying: “you are what you eat,” and, obviously, every saying ever is true. They must be. I started throwing apples at my doctor whenever I saw him and, now, we LEGALLY have to keep away from each other. Since that’s out of the way, let me tell you about my foolproof retirement plan. It involves me eating gold to turn myself into a literal money-making machine.
2019 is going to bring a lot of change into everyone’s lives. Some will be good, some bad, and some will lie somewhere in between, like the arrival of your physically and intellectually superior clone to take over your life. A lot of people will naturally try to resist it (and die in the process) but that’s only because they don’t fully understand it. Let’s try to change that by shedding some light on the event:
Getting into yoga might seem a little overwhelming at first. There is a lot of history and philosophy behind it all but if you stick with it, there are many benefits you can get from this ancient Indian discipline. Except getting back with Susan. Flexibility? Of course. But not Susan. A mental health boost? Absolutely, unless you mean from Susan leaving her new boyfriend Mark and admitting that she WAS in love with you the entire time you were together. We gotta be honest. The most yoga can do for you is maybe getting rid of that backpain you’ve been dealing with lately but, hey… it’s better than nothing, right?