How To Eat A Burrito Like A Complete Goddamn Lunatic

A burrito really is the pinnacle of cooking. Name any other food that comes in its own, edible wrapper, other than crunchy goo balls (I think they’re called “eggs” in the U.S.) You can’t. The best part is that there are hundreds of ways to make a burrito, and the bestest part is that there are even more ways to eat one like an unhinged crazy person. Look, the whole world is one gigantic prison yard and, sometimes, you have to show everyone that if a psychic ever read your mind, they’d piss their pants and then jump off a bridge. And the easiest way to do it is by jamming a burrito into your face hole in a way only a totally psychotic monster would, like so:

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So Your New Waiter Is A Bit Of A Loose Cannon

You could already feel that this day was going to be a doozy. As you sit down at your table, you see him coming your way. Sleeves rolled up to show-off a bunch of tattoos, some of which you’re sure you can only get in prison, untucked shirt, 5 o’clock shadow at 1 in the afternoon, lit cigarette in his mouth, and a breath that could strip paint off a speed boat. God, what was the restaurant thinking partnering you up with a loose cannon waiter?

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