You Are What You Eat So I’ve Only Been Eating Gold To Get Rich

I can’t believe no one thought of this before. We all know the saying: “you are what you eat,” and, obviously, every saying ever is true. They must be. I started throwing apples at my doctor whenever I saw him and, now, we LEGALLY have to keep away from each other. Since that’s out of the way, let me tell you about my foolproof retirement plan. It involves me eating gold to turn myself into a literal money-making machine.

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Um, No, I Totally “Earned” My Trust Fund

I’m just so tired of all those lazy liberals telling me that I never actually worked for my money, that I just got it all from my rich parents. It’s insane. It’d make me so mad if emotions weren’t just things that movies have in order to move the story along. They aren’t real. But you know what is real? All the effort I’ve put into EARNING my trust fund.

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The Smart Way To Faking Your Own Funeral

Sometimes, life comes at you fast. Before you know it, you find yourself owning a house, having a family, and owing $70,000 to some very scary people because gambling on human life is the only way you can get an erection anymore. We’ve all been there and everyone’s first instinct in those situations is always to fake your own funeral but this is where a lot of people make the most mistakes. Boris the Butcher is no fool. He’s seen the same ruse done hundreds of times so if you want to get out of this with your skull still roughly skull-shaped, here are a few things you should be mindful of:

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