Picture this. You walk into the morning lecture hall, Red Bull in your hand, whiskey on your breath, gun in your bag (because you party) and suddenly there you don’t see it: your empty chair, now occupied by some asshole who isn’t you. “Not me?” you think to yourself. “But I’m not not me.” Surely this can’t be right. Yeah, none of the seats in whatever class this is have been assigned but, come on, you’ve been sitting in that exact same chair for months now. It’s yours. Except for now. Now it’s theirs. What do you do?
Day 4. I have been following the life story of Margaret Strover for the better part of the week now, from her uneventful childhood in the chilly North East to her somehow even more boring time at a private New England college. I have gained immense insight into the life of this woman in her late 30s who feels like she could have done more with her life but is not complaining about where she ended up. Every day my children ask when will we have some food. I keep lying to them that Margaret will surely get to her grandmother’s chicken recipe soon, but I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to keep it up.
I can’t believe no one thought of this before. We all know the saying: “you are what you eat,” and, obviously, every saying ever is true. They must be. I started throwing apples at my doctor whenever I saw him and, now, we LEGALLY have to keep away from each other. Since that’s out of the way, let me tell you about my foolproof retirement plan. It involves me eating gold to turn myself into a literal money-making machine.
Modern life is hectic. It’s perfectly normal to feel a bit overwhelmed by the hustle and bustle of everything that’s going on around us. But it’s actually very easy to get a grip on it and bring some order to your life. And, as with most things, true change only comes from within, so let’s talk about tidying and organizing your internal organs.
The late Queen frontman Freddie Mercury is widely recognized as one of the greatest vocalists in history. But that’s not all he was. According to international research from Slovenia, Vanuatu, and Angola, Freddie Mercury’s vocal range surpassed that of ordinary humans, allowing him to hurl loud, incoherent insults at squirrels unlike any other person in history.
After the success of such national awareness campaign as No-Shave November or No Decapitation December, Americans everywhere have found a new craze. Starting on January 1st, people across the country are giving up Jafmtug. Let’s look at this phenomenon more closely.
2019 is going to bring a lot of change into everyone’s lives. Some will be good, some bad, and some will lie somewhere in between, like the arrival of your physically and intellectually superior clone to take over your life. A lot of people will naturally try to resist it (and die in the process) but that’s only because they don’t fully understand it. Let’s try to change that by shedding some light on the event: