Most Kids Today Don’t Know What VHS Is, Those ABSOLUTE IDIOTS

When the Video Home System first came out in the late ‘70s, it changed how people across the world consumed entertainment but young people today don’t know that because they all suck! You can try and explain to them that the idea of being able to record TV programming and watching it when you wanted to was revolutionary at the time, but their stupid, dumb brains just won’t get it. If you even showed them a VHS tape, they wouldn’t instantly know what it was. God, don’t you just want to hit them with your car and make donuts over their mangled corpses?!

Continue reading “Most Kids Today Don’t Know What VHS Is, Those ABSOLUTE IDIOTS”

How To Eat A Burrito Like A Complete Goddamn Lunatic

A burrito really is the pinnacle of cooking. Name any other food that comes in its own, edible wrapper, other than crunchy goo balls (I think they’re called “eggs” in the U.S.) You can’t. The best part is that there are hundreds of ways to make a burrito, and the bestest part is that there are even more ways to eat one like an unhinged crazy person. Look, the whole world is one gigantic prison yard and, sometimes, you have to show everyone that if a psychic ever read your mind, they’d piss their pants and then jump off a bridge. And the easiest way to do it is by jamming a burrito into your face hole in a way only a totally psychotic monster would, like so:

Continue reading “How To Eat A Burrito Like A Complete Goddamn Lunatic”

Easy Yoga Positions For Beginners That Will Not Bring Her Back

Getting into yoga might seem a little overwhelming at first. There is a lot of history and philosophy behind it all but if you stick with it, there are many benefits you can get from this ancient Indian discipline. Except getting back with Susan. Flexibility? Of course. But not Susan. A mental health boost? Absolutely, unless you mean from Susan leaving her new boyfriend Mark and admitting that she WAS in love with you the entire time you were together. We gotta be honest. The most yoga can do for you is maybe getting rid of that backpain you’ve been dealing with lately but, hey… it’s better than nothing, right?

Continue reading “Easy Yoga Positions For Beginners That Will Not Bring Her Back”

So Your New Waiter Is A Bit Of A Loose Cannon

You could already feel that this day was going to be a doozy. As you sit down at your table, you see him coming your way. Sleeves rolled up to show-off a bunch of tattoos, some of which you’re sure you can only get in prison, untucked shirt, 5 o’clock shadow at 1 in the afternoon, lit cigarette in his mouth, and a breath that could strip paint off a speed boat. God, what was the restaurant thinking partnering you up with a loose cannon waiter?

Continue reading “So Your New Waiter Is A Bit Of A Loose Cannon”

Fashionable Scarf Hacks To Make People Stop Asking About The Horns On Your Head

With the months growing colder and colder, it’s almost time to put that reliable and versatile accessory back in the game. I’m of course talking about the scarf. It’s amazing what just a few feet of rectangular material can do to completely turn your life around, from giving you a whole new, more-stylish look to drawing attention away from the two massive horns that suddenly sprouted on your head. So if you don’t want to spend the entire winter with a mean nickname like “Horny,” “Goaty,” or “The Bride of Adrammelech the Accursed,” then this guide is totally for you!

Continue reading “Fashionable Scarf Hacks To Make People Stop Asking About The Horns On Your Head”

Yes, I Read Steinbeck. No, My Penis Isn’t Gigantic. Yes, We Exist.

The great American author John Steinbeck is celebrated around the world for his masterful blending of whimsy with cold, hard realism, and for having fans with enormous penises. But while it is generally true that having read Of Mice and Men is a good indicator that you need to tuck your beef thermometer into your sock as you walk, I’m here to tell you that there are exceptions to this rule. Believe it or not, I read Steinbeck and the size of my tallywhacker has never made a prostitute jump out of the window in fear.

Continue reading “Yes, I Read Steinbeck. No, My Penis Isn’t Gigantic. Yes, We Exist.”

Startup Pitches That Almost Got Me Kicked Out Of Silicon Valley

If there’s one thing that everyone knows about Silicon Valley, it’s that Elon Musk rubs his penis on the door-handle of every Tesla that comes off his assembly line. If there are two things, it’s that there is no such thing as a stupid idea down in Sili-Vay, as nobody calls it. The entire place has been built on the principle of innovation and thinking outside the box, where notions of all kind are welcomed. I know that because I still haven’t been kicked out of there despite my NUMEROUS attempts to test Silicon Valley’s patience. These are just some of the startup pitches that helped me do it:

Continue reading “Startup Pitches That Almost Got Me Kicked Out Of Silicon Valley”