The entire country is still talking about the shocking scandal that threatens to shake up the political landscape and put some very powerful people out of a job or even in jail. But the question is… why? Why are we still talking about it? It’s like none of you people have seen the brilliant political cartoon from my preferred newspaper of choice making fun of the whole debacle. It’s over. The whole thing’s done. For God’s sake, the cartoonist drew that one person with BIG TEETH!
Vaccination is one of the most controversial topics of the modern age. Everyone, from scientists with centuries of experience and research behind them to your hot yoga instructor who believes daily showers ruin your aura, seems to have an opinion on vaccines. It’s literally impossible to tell who is right here. Or is it? Think about: has a scientist ever “found himself” during a deeply spiritual climb to the top of Kilimanjaro? How many Buddhist prayer beads do you think your doctor owns? If that’s not enough to make you reconsider vaccines for your kids, then maybe these legitimate, well thought-out arguments will:
A US doctor and amateur big game hunter has paid $150,000 for the right to knock-out and later release an exceedingly rare red Gyarados in a game of Pokémon. The man claims that his actions were actually an act of kindness.
“21 Savage was taken into custody by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents in Atlanta Sunday, with the agency claiming that the rapper is actually from the United Kingdom and overstayed his visa after coming to America as a teenager.” – Rolling Stone
This is all a big misunderstanding. You totally got the wrong bloke. Why, I’m as American as apple clanger and the Statue of Treaso… I mean Liberty.
A child is one of the most joyous gifts a person can ever receive. It fills you with so much light and happiness that it’s perfectly natural to want to express it by telling your kid that you love them so much. But what if you make it weird? What if they weren’t ready to say it back or even hear it? Great, now the entire house is awkward. Oh everything seems normal on the surface but you see how your child can’t even look you in the eyes as it pisses on you while you change its diaper. That’s because you jumped the gun there, bucko. Here’s what you could have done instead.
They say that in the restaurant business the most important things are “location, location, location.” Well that’s bullshit. I’d know because all three of my restaurants failed despite excellent locations. Both “Let’s Taco ‘Bout Our Feelings” And “God’s Flan For Me” were right next to a Mexican cemetery yet didn’t last more than a month. But it was the failure of “Artichoke Me, Daddy” (located in the vicinity where all those grisly strangling murders happened) that really made me look back and ask myself: where did I go wrong?
Dear young people in the last year of their 20s: it’s going to be alright. I know things might be looking a bit scary right now, but your 30s are nothing to be afraid of. You will just have to get used to a few new things. Like cauliflower. Mainly cauliflower. Actually, it’s pretty much just cauliflower. It’s soon going to be the only thing in your life. Rice? That’s out, cauliflower is in. Mashed potatoes? Oh, did you mean mashed cauliflower? No? Well you’re still getting it. But it won’t end there.