Thank you to everyone who kept up with the site all this time but I must focus on my other writing projects at the moment. I hope I made you laugh at least once.
First of all, don’t panic. This happens to a lot of people. A lot of dumb, stupid people who can’t be expected to focus for five goddamn seconds because they were too busy thinking about why Thanos didn’t just make more resources instead of killing off half the universe. Had no trouble remembering the name of ol’ Grimace’s Ballsack-for-a-chin, though, didn’t you? And now here you are, standing in front of this person you just met and you have no bloody idea how to address them. Christ, they’re looking at you. THEY KNOW! Umm… oh, try this one out:
On Monday, a Californian judge ruled that a 33-year-old man accused of stealing a pack of bubblegum, putting dog poo in a mailbox, and riding his bicycle without a helmet will be tried as three kids sitting on each other’s shoulders and wearing an oversized trench coat.
It’s never too early to get started on this year’s Halloween costume and obviously you cannot go as something you like. Joy? Enjoyment? FUN? Oh I’m sorry, have you not been paying attention to the news, buddy/budette? The world is a raging dumpster fire of clown corpses with Nazi armbands. There is no more goodness left on the planet. All we have left is detached irony to stop everyone from noticing we’re crying and dying on the inside. So dress up as the fucking Mueller Report or something. Here’s how:
It was only a matter of time. With the latest Avengers movie shaping up to be one of the biggest cinematic events in recent years, someone eventually had to dump a bunch of spoilers online to ruin it for everyone else. And try as you might, over the next few weeks, you will hear things about Avengers: Endgame, not knowing if it’s an actual spoiler or not. Because how could you know the difference if you’ve never seen the movie? That’s where I come in. After a long-con game of catfish with the Russo Brothers, I confirmed everything that will definitely happen in Endgame and can tell you for sure that…
“There, all fixed,” the bipartisan committee shouted as they ran away and threw the crumpled draft of the new Oath of Office for Muslims at the gathered reporters. Here it is in its entirety:
New articles will resume on April 16!
Energy is neat. You can use it to run a microwave and make pop-corn at a fraction of the price you’d have to pay in the cinema. It also has other uses, I’m sure. Energy is very versatile. But the one thing it’s not, it’s free. Despite what the liberal media might have told you, there is no such thing as safe, green, clean, or renewable energy because all of it comes at a terrible price that no one has the balls to talk about. Well just call me the play area of Chuck E. Cheese’s that’s most drenched in bacteria and child urine because I’ve got a fuckton of balls:
If science was really so smart, why wasn’t it ever retweeted by Kylie Jenner? But that’s actually just one of many questions that the idiot science cannot answer. I know that because for the past few months, I’ve been pestering my dentist (or a “Science Person,” if you will) with a bunch of complicated questions about life and the universe etc. And you know what I’ve learned? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Especially not the answers to…
As we all know, taxes are LITERALLY the government hitting you over the head with a lead pipe and then rifling through your pockets for heroin money. As such, if you’re not trying to pay as little as possible in taxes, you are an enabler and an overall bad person who’s definitely going to hell. But how can we help the government by getting rid of their fix? Well, there are a few simple things you can try out this tax season but, word of warning, these will 100% get you arrested. But that’s the price we sometimes pay for a clear conscience.