So You Already Forgot The Name Of The Person You’re Talking To

First of all, don’t panic. This happens to a lot of people. A lot of dumb, stupid people who can’t be expected to focus for five goddamn seconds because they were too busy thinking about why Thanos didn’t just make more resources instead of killing off half the universe. Had no trouble remembering the name of ol’ Grimace’s Ballsack-for-a-chin, though, didn’t you? And now here you are, standing in front of this person you just met and you have no bloody idea how to address them. Christ, they’re looking at you. THEY KNOW! Umm… oh, try this one out:

Statistics are your friends! Throw out the most common name in the world, which is… Muhammad. Alright. That might be it. You have no reason to suspect it’s not. But are first names a little too personal for someone you just met? What’s the most common surname on the planet? Huh, Wang? There’s no time to think! Quick, call the other person a Wang! Do it!

Make up a nickname on the spot. The beauty of this one is that nicknames don’t have to make sense. They’re not a real expression of who we are as a person. They’re random and come from stuff like your friends seeing you adjust your underwear THAT ONE TIME and asking if you’re wearing a bra on your balls or something, and then they call you “Wonder Bra” for the next 20 years. Look, that person you met is holding a beer. Call them “Brewski and Hutch” or something.

Fake a cough. Whenever you’re about to say the other person’s name, just fake cough. Keep it up for the rest of the day. But also keep coughing while saying other words, to not make it look too suspicious. Actually, keep coughing most of the time. When someone asks you what’s wrong with you, tell them it’s probably Ebola. The party will suddenly end then and you won’t have to admit you spaced out when someone was introducing themselves to you.

Go all out. Seduce the other person. Neg them, serenade them, make them a goddamn mix tape, whatever it takes to get them to like you. Start a long-term relationship with them. Move in together. Buy a pet. Propose. Then, at the wedding, the priest will say “Do you take ______” and, bam, just like that, you’ll have escaped a very awkward situation.

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