Local Adult To Be Tried As Three Kids Stacked On Top Of Each Other Under A Trench Coat

On Monday, a Californian judge ruled that a 33-year-old man accused of stealing a pack of bubblegum, putting dog poo in a mailbox, and riding his bicycle without a helmet will be tried as three kids sitting on each other’s shoulders and wearing an oversized trench coat.

The unnamed man’s case will possibly set a precedent for prosecuting adults for what legal expert are calling “just ugh really, REALLY lame crimes.” In normal circumstances, the accused would maybe pay a fine or, at worst, do some community service, but the prosecutors decided that the legal system is busy enough as it is and just has too much pride to deal with such a lame case. As such, the accused, fully-grown man who lives with his grandma and still secretly believes he could make it as a rapper will be remanded to juvenile court.

The judge has decided the man should be tried as three kids pretending to be an adult on the basis that just one child would never do so many lame crimes on its own. Clearly it had to have been egged on by its friends, hence the judge’s controversial “three-person” ruling.

The man can still appeal to be tried as an adult instead of a bunch of kids, but it doesn’t look good for him, especially after he called the judge “gay” once he learned about his decision. If convicted, the man might be ordered to clean out the mailbox, work at the store until he pays off the cost of the bubblegum, and write three personal essays about the importance of wearing a helmet while riding a bike. Also, his mother will be informed about everything that he did/said. The judge explained that it’s for the man’s own good, and that he isn’t angry at the defendant; just disappointed.

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