It’s never too early to get started on this year’s Halloween costume and obviously you cannot go as something you like. Joy? Enjoyment? FUN? Oh I’m sorry, have you not been paying attention to the news, buddy/budette? The world is a raging dumpster fire of clown corpses with Nazi armbands. There is no more goodness left on the planet. All we have left is detached irony to stop everyone from noticing we’re crying and dying on the inside. So dress up as the fucking Mueller Report or something. Here’s how:
The Full Mueller: go naked. Really build it up first, though. Promise for months that you’ll come to the party in your birthday suit, that you’ll show them the full, real you, and that it will be spectacular. Then cover up the best bits with some black underwear.
The Barr Summary: go in your everyday clothes. Insist that you’re actually Darth Vader. When people protest, tell them it’s “basically the same thing.” Make sure to throw up the Vulcan salute while you do it. End every goddamn sentence with “May the magic be with you, Harry.”
The Sarah Huckabee Sanders: send out a friend to a party you want to attend to promise everyone beforehand that they will NOT be able to see your penis. “Absolutely no dong,” they will insist, “so bring out your grandmothers and other relatives with heart conditions.” Then, you come in whatever costume you want but with your testicles hanging out.
The Russian: go online and find some Russians willing to mail you a Halloween costume for free. Well, they might need a favor from you later. Don’t worry about it. It’ll be fine.
The No Subpoena: a couple costume where you both wear something matching that only really works together and you spend the entire party apart not talking to each other while giving the other person the stink eye from way across the room.
The Attempted Obstruction: dress up as Trump, go to a party, and start ordering your friends to block access to the toilet. WARNING: this only counts as a successful costume if your friends don’t listen to you and you don’t get thrown out of the party even though that is most definitely what should have happened here.