It was only a matter of time. With the latest Avengers movie shaping up to be one of the biggest cinematic events in recent years, someone eventually had to dump a bunch of spoilers online to ruin it for everyone else. And try as you might, over the next few weeks, you will hear things about Avengers: Endgame, not knowing if it’s an actual spoiler or not. Because how could you know the difference if you’ve never seen the movie? That’s where I come in. After a long-con game of catfish with the Russo Brothers, I confirmed everything that will definitely happen in Endgame and can tell you for sure that…
- The ending will NOT involve the creepy landlord from Spider-Man 3 crossing the interdimensional-movie barrier into the MCU to smack Thanos over the head with an old ironing board.
- At NO point will Ant-Man crawl up Drax’s ass.
- Midway through the movie, Don Cheadle will NOT be replaced by Robert Downey Jr. playing a guy playing a guy in blackface.
- Upon discovering Earth animals, Rocket will NOT go on a spiritual quest to determine whether having sex with wild racoons would technically be bestiality for him.
- Hulk WILL smash.
- Captain America NEVER utters the phrase “I wish a bitch would.”
- Black Widow WON’T devour Dr. Banner after they make love.
- Thor will NOT lose another eye and pretend like nothing is wrong, shooting lightning wildly around the place until he accidentally hits and burns down Groot.
- Hawkeye WON’T get the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos by threatening to shoot with him with an arrow with a little bit of dog poop at the end of it.
- Peter will NOT get cornrows in an ill-fated attempt to impress Shuri.
- It WON’T turn out that Thanos’ weird chin is actually his alien penis.
