11 Things That Will NOT Happen In Avengers: Endgame

It was only a matter of time. With the latest Avengers movie shaping up to be one of the biggest cinematic events in recent years, someone eventually had to dump a bunch of spoilers online to ruin it for everyone else. And try as you might, over the next few weeks, you will hear things about Avengers: Endgame, not knowing if it’s an actual spoiler or not. Because how could you know the difference if you’ve never seen the movie? That’s where I come in. After a long-con game of catfish with the Russo Brothers, I confirmed everything that will definitely happen in Endgame and can tell you for sure that…

  1. The ending will NOT involve the creepy landlord from Spider-Man 3 crossing the interdimensional-movie barrier into the MCU to smack Thanos over the head with an old ironing board.

 

  1. At NO point will Ant-Man crawl up Drax’s ass.

 

  1. Midway through the movie, Don Cheadle will NOT be replaced by Robert Downey Jr. playing a guy playing a guy in blackface.

 

  1. Upon discovering Earth animals, Rocket will NOT go on a spiritual quest to determine whether having sex with wild racoons would technically be bestiality for him.

 

  1. Hulk WILL smash.

 

  1. Captain America NEVER utters the phrase “I wish a bitch would.”

 

  1. Black Widow WON’T devour Dr. Banner after they make love.

 

  1. Thor will NOT lose another eye and pretend like nothing is wrong, shooting lightning wildly around the place until he accidentally hits and burns down Groot.

 

  1. Hawkeye WON’T get the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos by threatening to shoot with him with an arrow with a little bit of dog poop at the end of it.

 

  1. Peter will NOT get cornrows in an ill-fated attempt to impress Shuri.

 

  1. It WON’T turn out that Thanos’ weird chin is actually his alien penis.

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