US House Of Representatives Rolls Out New Oath Of Office Just For Muslim Members

“There, all fixed,” the bipartisan committee shouted as they ran away and threw the crumpled draft of the new Oath of Office for Muslims at the gathered reporters. Here it is in its entirety:

“I ______ (insert funny-sounding name) do solemnly swear that I think 9/11 was bad. Also, I fully acknowledge that *this* is not normal. Although no one was able to prove that I was only elected due to ______ (please specify type of voter fraud you were accused of orchestrating), I will not pretend that I’m just like any other member here. I affirm that the entire thing is a fluke and that I will not rock the boat, instead leaving the thinking to all the other white politicians who came before me because they clearly know what they’re doing. I mean, that’s why they keep getting reelected. Because everything they do is good for the country. (If you disagree, please shout ‘I hate America!’ now.)

“I swear will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic, to whom I will respectively refer to as ‘terrorists’ and ‘regular people tired of feeling like they’re losing their country.’ I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion, and would also like to take this opportunity to once again affirm that I think 9/11 was a horrible tragedy. Actually, I’d like to personally apologize for it right now. Not because I was responsible for it (if you WERE responsible for it, please state so now) but because apparently I’m now the official spokesperson for all things Muslim. Please ask me about Saudi Arabia even if my family comes from ______ (state which Arabian country your family hails from.)

“Finally, I swear I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter. So help me God (and no sneakily replacing the word ‘God’ with ‘Allah’ in your head or anything like that, even if ‘Allah’ does mean ‘God.’ You KNOW which God we’re talking about.)

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