Energy is neat. You can use it to run a microwave and make pop-corn at a fraction of the price you’d have to pay in the cinema. It also has other uses, I’m sure. Energy is very versatile. But the one thing it’s not, it’s free. Despite what the liberal media might have told you, there is no such thing as safe, green, clean, or renewable energy because all of it comes at a terrible price that no one has the balls to talk about. Well just call me the play area of Chuck E. Cheese’s that’s most drenched in bacteria and child urine because I’ve got a fuckton of balls:
Wind Power
Oh, so you want to put a bunch of propellers on Earth and push the planet directly into the Sun?! Is that what you want to do, you sick bastards? All our ice-cream would melt then! That’s the future that liberals want. No ice-cream for anyone.
Hydropower
Yeah, the idea sounds cool in theory. But what would we do after we’ve used up all the water?! What would we cut our whiskey with then, geniuses? Club soda? Sorry, I’m not 11 anymore. Also, a global water shortage would turn the entire planet into Mad Max: Fury Road and that movie wasn’t even that good! Not one person in a fursuit in sight! I felt like an idiot being the only person dressed as a panda during that opening night. Next!
Solar Energy
Nice try, but as we all know the Sun is actually Hell where the souls of sinners burn for all eternity. Do you really want to accidentally use the burning soul of, say, Jeffrey Dahmer to heat up your child’s dinner? Not in my goddamn house.
Bio Energy
I’m not totally sure what bio energy is but I often see the word “bio” on packs of yogurt so I assume that’s what it’s about. Hate to burst your bubble but this shit just doesn’t work. I emptied 20 yogurt cartons into my gas tank last night and today my car wouldn’t start so I tried to borrow my neighbor’s truck without asking (it’s OK, God wanted me to make that 8 AM screening of Ghost Rider) but he called the cops and I got arrested. It was a whole thing. So, yeah, say no to Bio Energy unless you want a 7-foot-tall inmate named Billy Bob to steal your shoes.
Geothermal Energy
Uh-huh. You want us to use Earth farts and magma (aka Earth cum) to power our industrial fursuit cleaners? Do you know how ridiculous you sound right now?
