As we all know, taxes are LITERALLY the government hitting you over the head with a lead pipe and then rifling through your pockets for heroin money. As such, if you’re not trying to pay as little as possible in taxes, you are an enabler and an overall bad person who’s definitely going to hell. But how can we help the government by getting rid of their fix? Well, there are a few simple things you can try out this tax season but, word of warning, these will 100% get you arrested. But that’s the price we sometimes pay for a clear conscience.
– Buy 20 hamsters. Name all of them “dependent.”
– If your body is a temple, then it qualifies for a church tax exemption.
– Do you sometimes feel like you need to buy and drink alcohol to get through another day at the office? That’s not alcoholism! That’s a work-related write-off waiting to happen!
– Slyly change the date on your tax form to a few years back when rates were more in your favor! If the government doesn’t notice it in 15 minutes, they are legally obliged to honor it.
– Fake your own death. Send a YouTube clip of an exploding car to the government with “that’s me” as the subject.
– Declare your house a sovereign nation, get into a shootout with the FBI, die, never pay another dime in taxes!
– Just fucking print your own money! It’s not illegal! Unless you get caught!
– *snorts cocaine* What if… what if you argue REALLY well that money doesn’t really exist? It’s all made up, man. It only has value because we agree on it. Yeah, that’s good, write that down. Now staple the whole 100-page essay to your tax form. This shit will blow their minds!
– Challenge the government to a pistol duel. If you win, you won’t have to pay any more taxes. They will have to accept or else they’ll look like cowardly punk-ass chumps!
– Blow up the planet. Don’t have to pay taxes if there’s no one around to pay them to!