Few people are ever truly happy with how they look. We all have that one part of ourselves that we would like to get rid of. For some of us, it’s the second, blind face on the backs of our heads that tells us to go outside and collect pigeons (WHY, Clarence? We already have way too many!) while for others, it might be some of their extra weight. Let’s talk about the second one for now. Here are a few tips for getting skinny, extra fast:
1. Intermittent fasting
Pick an eight-hour window in your day and only eat your meals then, making sure to fast for the other 16 hours. This will not only help you burn fat but also build more muscle mass.
2. Drink a glass of ice water before bed
A tall, cold glass of water right before bed will kick your metabolism into higher gear, allowing you to burn calories as you sleep.
3. Get Out someone
Well, it’s been a month now and you’re still not losing weight because all your meals are meat lover pizzas and I’m pretty sure there’s vodka in your night water. Fuck it, see that buff guy walking down the street? Knock him out and overwrite his mind like in Get Out. Do it.
4. Fuck, FUCK, don’t panic
Why did you hit him in the head with a brick? You should have used a taser or a rag with chloroform or… oh THANK GOD he’s still breathing! Quick, drag him into the alley before anyone sees you, hurry!
5. Call Benny, he’ll know what to do
Benny’s not picking up! Jesus Christ, man, what will we do? We cannot go to prison. Fucking look at us! They’ll eat us alive there.
6. Hold on
There’s a back entrance to your building here. But is it… IT’S OPENED! Hurry, pull the guy here. We can use the service elevator to get him to your floor.
7. Make sure the handcuffs are tight
Alright, he’s not going anywhere, and it was a stroke of genius to take off his pants and put him in the bathtub. Now we have some time to think. Clearly we can’t let him go. He’s seen our faces. But… do we want to… you know? Do we have the stomach for it? Let’s figure that out tomorrow.
8. Has it really been two months already?
And look at you! The stress of holding another human hostage and watching the cries of his family on TV have really curbed your appetite. You are just shedding pounds and it shows! See, with a little determination and self-control and ear-plugs to help you ignore Jake’s nighttime sobbing, anything is possible!