Socks – they aren’t just for filling with batteries and taking them to Eagles games. Socks, or “foot condoms,” put a protective barrier between our naked bodies and the insides of our shoes to help keep things nice and professional between the two. But the question remains: are they also appropriate attire during sex proper? And the answer remains: yes, but not every sock’s the same. In fact, every sock color/pattern sends out a different signal to your partner about the style of your lovemaking. Here are some examples:
Black
You are serious, no-nonsense, a gentleman all the way, and you announce your ejaculations by yelling out “OOOOH NOOO, MOUNT VEINSUVIUS IS ERUPTING!!!”
White
You’re sporty, you like to keep things active in the bedroom, you will try to bench your partner at least once, there will be a Gatorade break in the middle, and you will be grunting like Link from Legend of Zelda getting viciously stabbed the entire time.
Argyle
You’re fun, you’re uncomplicated, you like to try new things, and you’re adventurous. You’re also wearing a bowler hat. There is an old onion underneath it. It smells. You try to convince your partner that the smell is coming out of their body. They take it hard. They’re super embarrassed. They apologize. They cry. Your erection doubles in size. You finish yourself off in the corner. You ejaculated on the onion.
Striped
You only have sex to distract your partner as your father breaks into their house to steal all the canned beans from the pantry. Tonight, you’ll eat like kings!
Blue
Your dark sexual desires are the reason why God is dead. He existed once upon a time but removed himself from the whole of the multiverse after peeking inside your soul and seeing all the twisted things you wanted to do with a can of beans in bed. You do not make love to people. You mark them with your darkness. Then, once the deed is done, you leave $5 on the nightstand to make the entire experience even worse for everyone involved.
Yellow
You refer to blowjobs as “blowies.” You also smell of onions and canned beans.
Simpsons
You only work with the Argyle people. You come in at the end and eat the onion.
Gray
You’re conservative in bed, you like to take your time, and there are many layers to your lovemaking. You are actually the offspring of the Argyle guy and the onion he ejaculated on. The Simpsons sock guy was late one time and the onion became pregnant and the result is you. God briefly wished himself into existence before you were born, but killed himself again after seeing you.
