Getting your hair cut is basically just like taking a shit: you just got to do it from time to time, and whatever the end result, you just quickly look it over before going: “Yeah, whatever, that’s fine.” Also, both activities can be easily ruined by someone trying to have a conversation with you. But some hairdressers don’t get it. Some hairdressers ask you about your day. No, no, no. I grew this hair out in total silence and that’s how I want it cut. How do you make that happen, though? Well, have you considered having the following things tattooed right on your goddamn face?
Your Hairdresser’s Full Name And Address
They will initially be worried and consider asking about it but, ultimately, they will hopefully decide that the answer might actually freak them out more, and this realization will keep them quiet throughout the entire haircut.
“There’s A 25% Tip In It For You If You Don’t Talk”
Yes, you could just say it to them at the beginning, but that would be talking and that’s half a conversation right there. Better not risk it and go with the tattoo option.
A Pair Of Elderly Buttocks Around Your Lips, With Your Mouth In The Center
This way, every time you open your mouth, it will look like an elderly rectum being stretched out, and after your hairdresser goes into the back to vomit, they will never talk to you ever again out of fear that you might answer them.
One Spider Leg Sticking Out Of Your Mouth
There’s a lot for your hairdresser to unpack here: is that real? If it is, is the spider in your mouth alive? Do you know you even have a spider in your mouth? They could ask you all those things, but that would require you to open your mouth and possibly letting the spider escape so… total silence it is.
“Live, Laugh, Love”
Well you clearly have nothing of value to say so there’s no need to talk to you, ever.
“Yes” And “No” Above Each Nostril
Whenever your hairdresser asks you a Yes or No question, simply stick your finger into the appropriate nostril and really start digging to give them your answer. Do not clean your finger between the questions. Continue making eye contact. Pay no attention to their tears.