Heinz Introduces New Crystal Ketchup

Since 1876, Heinz Tomato Ketchup (you know, as opposed to Banana Ketchup), has been a pantry staple all across the world. It’s hard to imagine some of our favorite foods without it, like sandwiches or French fries but not hot dogs because anyone who does that shit after the age of 9 should be made into Asshole Sauce. And if you ever put ketchup on a pizza, you should be hunted for sport but not meat because not even Heinz’s delicious tomato sauce could make your rotten flesh palatable to any human with a soul. Where were we? Oh yes, so, after more than 130 years on the market, Heinz is shaking things up with their all new Crystal Ketchup.

Crystal Ketchup is more than just a clear, jelly-like condiment that some people may have described as E.T. sperm. It’s a way of life. It’s you and all your cool friends driving out to Make Out Point with your awesome music at full blast, followed by you squirting that water-like goop all over some delicious foods that will NOT end up looking like the Invisible Man shat all over them. Some of our focus groups were very clear on that last one. They did not think about the Invisible Man’s feces even once while testing the product. Now that’s the kind of quality that only Heinz can deliver.

Heinz’s Crystal Ketchup is made 100% from ingredients that the FDA has deemed “edible.” In laboratory rats, the mortality rate from ingesting Crystal Ketchup was close to the national average. The condiment contains absolutely nothing that could cause an allergic reaction and is so nutritionally-poor that it technically also counts as diet food. “But does it contain any actual tomatoes,” you ask? Why don’t you shut the hell up, buddy? What is this, another Senate hearing about Heinz “allegedly” trying to pass off expired KY Jelly that they mistakenly purchased 10,000 crates of as a condiment?

The point is, Crystal Ketchup is low-fat, low-carb, 100% vegan, and every time you buy one bottle, Heinz will punch a meat-eater in the neck. At this point, they’d do anything to get you to buy their product. You want them to dance for you? Wait a couple of weeks and they’ll be desperate enough to do that. Wait a month and they’ll be willing to wrestle in great big vats of Crystal Ketchup while dressed as the Power Rangers and singing “On the Good Ship Lollipop.” So, big party in our house next month. BYOB (of Crystal Ketchup.)

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