OMG! My Neighbor’s Puppy Is So Cute I Want To Die!

Guys! GUYS! My neighbor has just gotten a new puppy and it’s the cutest thing in the whole world. I can’t even begin to describe how adorable that tiny little dog is! I can only tell you that every time I look at it, I want to literally die. Every encounter with that creature makes me want to cease to exist, just POOF, evaporate and have my consciousness removed from the fabric of the multiverse. I want to literally become nothingness and join in the Void. That’s how cute that dog is!

With its tiny paws, huge eyes, floppy ears, and its precious sweater, my neighbor’s pup makes me want to tear the skin from my head, crack my skull open, and scoop out my brain with my own two hands. Yesterday, the little guy ran up to me on the street and I had to fight the urge to just throw myself underneath an oncoming truck and just paint the entire street red with my spilled blood. Then, when it started yapping and running circles around me, I briefly considered just bashing my stupid head on the sidewalk until I could function properly again.

Sometimes, during the day, I will just hear it frolicking in the yard. So happy, so carefree. I will then look at my microwave and think how great it would be if I could wrap myself in tinfoil, get inside the oven, and then just blow myself up. I’ve checked if they make walk-in microwaves but, sadly, they don’t. One time, I looked over the fence and saw the puppy jumping in a pile of leaves. Thankfully, I lent my riding mower to my brother last week because if I had had it then, I would have turned it upside down and just belly-flopped onto the spinning blades.

At night, I will sometimes see the dog in my dreams, and each time I try to throw myself off a cliff but my stupid dreams allow me to fly so I never die. I always wake up after that covered in sweat and weird scratch marks in the shape of pentagrams all over me, with the puppy starring at me with glowing red eyes through my window, asking why I haven’t yet given him his blood sacrifice. The time is nearing, he told me last night. He must feed soon. But his ear was inside out at the time so I was only thinking about how if I murdered my neighbor, I’d probably get the death penalty and just DIE. Because, oh my God guys, that puppy is just SO CUTE!

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