Baby, I Swear I’m Not Like The Other Guys

Honey, baby, girl, sugar, desk, carpet, lightbulb, wallpaper, TV… sorry, I got distracted there for a second. But baby, what I’m trying to say is that I’m not like the other guys. I know you’ve heard differently but I need you to believe me now: you’ve never met anyone else like me AND IT SHOULD FREAK YOU OUT. I don’t know what I am but I know that I’m not like the other guys because I might not even be human. Please help me…

You know how everyone else that you went out with took you to a nice restaurant for an intimate meal? Well WE are going to the rock quarry because I can only eat rocks. I tried human food before but it caused me to leak this weird orange stuff out of my ears, and everyone who touched it immediately forgot the first 10 years of their life. I can’t explain it but my body craves the minerals in rocks. My jaw is so powerful that I’m capable of literally eating my way through a brick wall. Once, I put a piece of coal in my mouth and bit it so hard that it turned into a diamond. Also, this is unrelated but I got you this ring and… No way? Yeah, that’s fair.

Well SORRY, I didn’t know mouth-diamonds were a turn off for human women. I don’t know quite a lot of stuff. Is everyone else’s blood yellow too? Because mine is. Well, the one in my left leg is. It comes out silver from every other place. I think it’s different from the orange goop that came out of my ears, though, because that only erased people’s memories but the guy who accidentally drank some of my blood just exploded. Well, I say “accidentally” but I might have just put some of my blood in his coffee. I wanted to see what happens. Yeah, I know that’s super weird, human infant. But like I said: I’m not like the other guys.

Oh shit, disaccharide, I totally forgot: are you hungry right now? Cause I sweat mayonnaise and… hey where are you going? Come back. Ah, you want to know why you just lost control of your body and came back to me when I called you? That’s just something I can do when I use the telekinetic brain in my right elbow. I think it’s technically an alien parasite. Though for me it might just be a regular parasite, you know what I mean? I know you couldn’t see it, but I just winked at you using the fifth eye that’s located in my anus. So… what are we doing? Are we going out or…?

Ah, you maced me. Technically these eye things on my face are actually noses so even though it doesn’t hurt, I get your meaning. So sorry to have bothered you.

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