New Research Shows Humans Incapable Of Destroying Planet… Unless They Use A Really Big Stick Of Dynamite

People on both sides of the aisle, and even within the aisles themselves, have been clashing about the so-called Green New Deal – a set of proposed economic stimulus programs meant to fight off the devastating effects of global warming. Due to accumulation of greenhouse gasses in the atmosphere, it’s feared that the planet’s climate will change drastically until it eventually becomes uninhabitable to humans. But new research seems to suggest that industrial activity alone is not enough to hurt Earth. You’d need more. Like a ludicrously gigantic, red stick of dynamite.

Rather than looking at how the gradual increase of global temperatures would be detrimental to human survival, the new model goes in a different direction. It instead looks at how the Earth would react if someone took just the biggest, most cartoony-looking stick of dynamite you could imagine, and detonated it over the North Pole. The results of the new study show that the Earth would end up looking like a smoldering apple core, with the person who lit the fuse still standing beside the dynamite covering their ears, only now he’d be all black and stuff. Then, a gust of wind would reveal that he had been turned to ashes.

“Compared to THAT,” says the research’s lead scientist, “global warming just doesn’t seem so bad. You definitely could not compare it to a great big fireball followed by a huge KABOOMBOOM onomatopoeia the size of Asia. THAT’s what I would call destroying the planet.”

The kind of dynamite necessary to achieve that would need to be BIG, though. We’re talking about hundreds of miles high and filled with the entire planet’s supply of black powder. The fuse alone would be the size of a line of school buses, and the match necessary to lit it would dwarf a few skyscrapers. In short, it would truly take a ridiculous amount of resources and a global death wish to actually destroy the planet. So it’s probably OK to burn old tires for fuel or feed all cows beans. After all, it’s not like it will result in this huge BANG that’s going to make Saturn’s rings spin wildly or something.

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