Get Fucked, Avocado, The Era Of Entire Watermelon On Toast Is Here

For literally hundreds of years, 21st-century young people have sustained primarily on avocado toast and hot tea. But the time has come to yeet that disgusting slime-fruit off your grilled bread and replace it with the new big thing: an entire watermelon. Do it now to claim you were ahead of everyone else when the whole thing inevitably takes off.

Of course, we all love the delicious avocado, but now that it’s no longer popular we’ve always hated it and will be calling it Slimer’s Poop behind its back. Also, it’s so high in calories and fat. Yes, it has the supposedly “good” fat in it but for all of us wanting to lose that extra weight, avocado is total thumbs down emoji. Watermelon doesn’t have that problem. One standard, 10lbs melon only has 7g total of fat in it and, get this, a big fat 0g of cholesterol. Plus, it contains absolutely no rat droppings unlike some other fruit that I will not name, and if you hollow a watermelon out after you’re done eating it, you can use it as a fashionable, 100% recycled hat to flex on all your haters. Swag, YOLO, vaping.

Watermelon toast will also leave you full and satisfied. To get full on avocado, you would have to stack a ton of that congealed booger on your toast while you only need ONE watermelon in the morning to be good until late brunch. The savings would be insane. After the first few months of watermelon toast for breakfast, you’d make back all the cash you will have to spend on the surgery to allow you to unhinge your entire jaw and swallow the fruit whole. Frankly, you’re losing money by not jumping on the melon train right now, you stupid idiot. You giant dumb moron. God I hate you so fucking much right now.

But I get it. You’re a foodie, which is a special breed of people who enjoy food, unlike all those other working-class assholes who eat… I want to say rocks? Twigs? Anyway, you might want to hold on to your avocado for the flavor, in which case I say: avocadon’t. Because you shouldn’t eat it. It’s gross. It’s like silly putty that the Hulk chewed up and spit out. Whole watermelon offers you so many other options. You can eat it with a bit of salt to bring out its natural flavors. You can… put chocolate on it I guess? Hey, you can’t prove it won’t work! Hot sauce? According to the Watermelon Council, for whom I do NOT work, the Supreme Court has not yet ruled that hot sauce on watermelon classifies as a war crime, so, sure, go nuts.

What else is there to say but… *sigh* “water you waiting for”? Eat some watermelon on toast. I’m so dead inside.

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