Why Are We Still Talking About [Recent Political News]?! My Favorite Cartoonist Already Made Fun Of It!

The entire country is still talking about the shocking scandal that threatens to shake up the political landscape and put some very powerful people out of a job or even in jail. But the question is… why? Why are we still talking about it? It’s like none of you people have seen the brilliant political cartoon from my preferred newspaper of choice making fun of the whole debacle. It’s over. The whole thing’s done. For God’s sake, the cartoonist drew that one person with BIG TEETH!

And not just big teeth. They drew their entire head way bigger. And the eyes. Oh God, they got the eyes perfect. So huge and full of crazy. And tiny skulls inside them. Goddamn this was good satire. You can tell instantly that this person is not all right in the (oversized) head. How could you ever agree with their views on government spending after seeing this wonderful, cutting drawing? I mean… their hair is a bunch of snakes! Or it might be dreadlocks. It’s hard to say. The important thing, though, is that it is hilarious and therefore very smart because I only find smart things funny.

The absolute best part of the whole thing is how our side (you know: the good guys) was depicted. Square-jawed, blue-eyed, hair like strings of gold flowing in the wind. It’s exactly like the images of myself that I have when I close my eyes to masturbate. The drawings’ Greek god-like physiques perfectly capture the absolute right-ness of my side’s stance on tax policy, while the lust in their eyes symbolizes their thirst for justice. Those images say more about why we are totally right than any legitimate, well-articulated argument ever could.

If I could fault the drawing on one thing, though, is that it tries to appeal to too many people. It doesn’t allow the smart ones to figure things out on our own. We don’t really need the big bag of money to be labeled “abortions” and the car with Stalin’s face on the hood to be identified as “Mexico.” All those things are painfully obvious to the observant reader, and those who don’t get right away simply do not deserve to ever get it. So please, current and future political cartoonists: trust your audience. We’re way smarter than we look.

What else is there to say that this brilliant drawing hasn’t already said? My side is correct and anyone who disagrees looks even sillier than the cartoon dog in a tutu that so obviously represents Lutherans in the military.

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