Legitimate Reasons To Not Vaccinate Your Children

Vaccination is one of the most controversial topics of the modern age. Everyone, from scientists with centuries of experience and research behind them to your hot yoga instructor who believes daily showers ruin your aura, seems to have an opinion on vaccines. It’s literally impossible to tell who is right here. Or is it? Think about: has a scientist ever “found himself” during a deeply spiritual climb to the top of Kilimanjaro? How many Buddhist prayer beads do you think your doctor owns? If that’s not enough to make you reconsider vaccines for your kids, then maybe these legitimate, well thought-out arguments will:

Because they’re YOUR children and, as their parent, you obviously know what’s best in the long run for little Bugatti and Chardonnayla.

Because kids in wheelchairs get to skip the lines at Disneyland and sometimes get free desserts in restaurants.

Because your children might grow up to like the hippy-hop.

Because your kids have never read a Nicholas Sparks novel so you literally would have nothing to talk about with them for next few years. You shouldn’t be expected to deal with that.

Because college is so gosh-darn expensive nowadays.

Because maybe their Make-A-Wish Foundation wish will be for mommy to get her kitchen renovated or to meet Chris Evans.

Because Sharon is raising her children vegan and teaching them Mandarin and you need something to flex on her.

Because the heavy metals in the vaccines might magnetize and start attracting stray bullets your way.

Because your hot yoga instructor said that the rat poison in the vaccines is a GMO and you are a 100% organic household.

Because deciding who lives or dies makes you feel like a God and gives you the kind of raw, primal feeling of power that no pill, wine, or sexual encounter ever could.

Because by not vaccinating you might be resurrecting diseases that humanity has effectively all but wiped out, leaving the kind of impact on the world that meteors or ancient warlords would be jealous of. Also because it finally gives you an excuse to dust off that cape and mask you bought years ago and laugh maniacally while wearing them on the roof and calling yourself “Dr. Plague.”

Because your hot yoga instructor might have pity sex with you after your children’s funeral.

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