Dear ICE: I’m 21 Savage And I’m A Jolly-Ol’ Yank, I Am

“21 Savage was taken into custody by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents in Atlanta Sunday, with the agency claiming that the rapper is actually from the United Kingdom and overstayed his visa after coming to America as a teenager.”Rolling Stone

 

Dear ICE,

This is all a big misunderstanding. You totally got the wrong bloke. Why, I’m as American as apple clanger and the Statue of Treaso… I mean Liberty.

For one, have you seen how I dress?

I often go out in public and appear on my album covers without a shirt on. I’d never go out half-starkers if I were a Brit. What would the neighbours think?! The stress of having to keep up such a ruse would surely cause me to drop out of school and get involved with drugs, and we can all agree how terribly ludicrous that idea sounds.

A lot of things were said about my provenance but I want to assure you I am a native, royal subject of Atlanta in the great state of King Georgia (long may he reign.) To even suggest otherwise is… I haven’t been that offended by something ever since my mother’s last letter ended with “Regards” instead of “Warm regards.” The bloody nerve. So dreadfully sorry for losing my temper just now.

Alright, yes, so I technically started a movement called “guns down, paintballs up,” but advocating against firearms isn’t necessarily a British thing. I just think that paintball is the dog’s bollocks. Nothing wrong with that, innit? Yes, a 3yo was killed because of it and that kind of threw a spanner into the works but we can at least agree that nothing is more American than trying to do the right thing but unintentionally causing the loss of an innocent life.

I would also like to take this opportunity to address all those vicious rumours that my original stage name was 13.7 Savage and I changed it to 21 because that’s how many savages it amounted to after conversion to American units. Nor is 21 the number of jars of Marmite I consume in a given month. I don’t even know what that is. I eat my toast like any other American: with a hamburger on top. Also: if I knew what tea was, I’d make it in the microwave, no matter how… ungodly insane that idea may sound.

In conclusion, I urinate red, white, and blue (the fact that those are also the colours of the Union Jack is just a coincidence), and those chips and vinegar that you found on me during my arrest? I was just holding them for a friend.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s