How To Tell Your Baby You Love Them Without Making It Weird

A child is one of the most joyous gifts a person can ever receive. It fills you with so much light and happiness that it’s perfectly natural to want to express it by telling your kid that you love them so much. But what if you make it weird? What if they weren’t ready to say it back or even hear it? Great, now the entire house is awkward. Oh everything seems normal on the surface but you see how your child can’t even look you in the eyes as it pisses on you while you change its diaper. That’s because you jumped the gun there, bucko. Here’s what you could have done instead.

First, consider a firm, business-like handshake… followed by cupping your baby’s hand with your other palm. It’s professional enough to keep things copacetic between you but also goes further just enough to signal that, “Hey, you’re not just another mouth to feed for me. There’s something special about you.” Then, ever so slyly, slip your kid a 20 without ever mentioning it. But although you won’t be saying anything, your child will be hearing you loud and clear. Make sure it doesn’t put the money in their mouth, though. Those things are about as sanitary as used toilet paper.

Second, nothing says “love” like the gift of responsibility. Words are cheap. Putting your child in charge of the family taxes isn’t. Just don’t get sentimental over it. Don’t play dumb like “Oh, this is just too hard. Maybe you…” NO! Anyone will be able to see through that, even a 6-month-old. Simply put the paperwork in front of them, give them a pen and calculator, and tell them you need it by the end of the week.

Going through all your finances, they’ll understand how important your next tax return is to you and all the trust you put into them will make them feel appreciated. So don’t interfere. Not even when they start drawing squiggles on all your receipts, ruining them. Love ain’t easy.

Finally, don’t be afraid to show your affection with gifts. If a nice, expensive bottle of French wine doesn’t tell your child that you’d lay down your life for them, then nothing will. You can tell it that it’s recognition for its “excellent finger painting” or “eating its vegetables” but the child will know what the gift really signifies. That’s why it will never open it. The bottle will be a symbol that your kid will cherish forever. It will also roll it around on the floor while laughing.

Look at it, so happy, so content with the simplest things, taking life as it is, without asking for anything more. You really love this kid. Crap, you said it out loud. CRAP, the kid heard you. It’s pretending that it didn’t but you both know that it totally did. Now it’s taking the bottle to another room. Nice going, idiot. Now you will have to get it like a box of cigars or something to smooth things over.

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