Welcome To Your 30s. Everything You Love Has Been Replaced By Cauliflower. Everything.

Dear young people in the last year of their 20s: it’s going to be alright. I know things might be looking a bit scary right now, but your 30s are nothing to be afraid of. You will just have to get used to a few new things. Like cauliflower. Mainly cauliflower. Actually, it’s pretty much just cauliflower. It’s soon going to be the only thing in your life. Rice? That’s out, cauliflower is in. Mashed potatoes? Oh, did you mean mashed cauliflower? No? Well you’re still getting it. But it won’t end there.

Let me paint you a picture of your life as a 30-year-old. One day, you’ll be reading a book or playing a video game when suddenly you’ll notice that the thing you’ve been holding in your hands… has changed. All of a sudden it’ll have the texture of dry cheese curds that smell like a cabbage farted, and before you know it, you’ll realize you’re holding a head of boiled cauliflower. You’ll throw it away in shock and try to get a hold of yourself, only to realize that your shirt is starting to feel strange as well. Panicked, you won’t have time to notice that everything you touch is turning into ghost broccoli that’s been marinated in used gym socks. Your clothing, the carpet, the phone you just tried to dial 911 on – soon, everything you hold dear will be the flower of the great and powerful Cauli. Try not to scream.

Not just because it’ll bother the neighbors but also because you need to give yourself time before meeting your new friends and family. You’ll definitely smell them first, though. It will be a lingering smell of sulfur and expired sweat, but as it gets stronger, you’ll see them. They’ll look mostly like the people you knew and loved at first glance, but on closer look, you’ll notice their visages are made up of cauliflower curds, like impressionist paintings from the deepest depths of vegan hell. These cauli-creatures are your new family. They’d tell you so themselves but they can only communicate by emitting vapors of something akin to gaseous stale rice mixed with old eggs. Please do not vomit. That will only send them into a feeding frenzy.

Instead, embrace your new family. They just want you to be healthy and live long. As such, they shall offer to you parts of their body for consumption. You cannot refuse. Nor can you escape them. They are everywhere. The cauliflower is your entire world now. You will consume it for every meal and be thankful for the opportunity. Suicide would be an option if not for every gun or length of rope you touch turning into more of nature’s carb substitute. So why not try laughing? Laugh while you stuff cauliflower into your mouth like a total and complete madman. It’s OK to also cry while doing this.

If you don’t enjoy the taste of cauliflower, maybe put some melted cheese on it or something?

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