St. Louis Set To Become First City Center To Ban Basic Bitches

Starting next month, the city of St. Louis will no longer allow basic bitches in its downtown area, becoming a pioneer in America’s fight against basic bitchdom. This move will ban people like Rebeka, who spells it with a K like the unoriginal wannabe that she is, from accessing parts of the city deemed too important to ruin with her shrill voice and Gucci knock-offs. Retailers like Hollister or the Apple Store have protested against the move, arguing that it will negatively affect their bottom-line, but were then told to “shut the hell up.”

The plan, known unofficially as “Ugh, No, Go Away,” establishes a strict No Basicness zone around St. Louis’ most vital commercial areas to make them more accessible to both citizens and tourists. All women suspected of being basic bitches will be stopped at the border of the new protected area and asked how many scented candles they own or if they’ve ever yelled “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!” while drinking overpriced drinks at the Strip and literally nothing else. If a suspected basic bitch also claims to be an Instagram model, they’ll be taken into custody and questioned about their overall life choices.

There have been similar moves from cities all around the world, like when Paris banned drunk assholes from its city center but then later abandoned the plan when it ended up removing 90% of the capital’s population. In contrast, St. Louis’ approach has already proven a success, with people reporting higher levels of happiness at the idea of soon never again having to hear someone yell out the word “A-MAH-ZING” at the sight of a pair of shoes.

In the future, the city hopes to develop an algorithm that would sweep the internet, looking for women who use the puppy dog filter on Snapchat, and then send their information down to a processing station where their names would be added to the central Basic Bitch registry. In the meantime, St. Louis is also training ex-military dogs to detect “The Beach Is My Home” tattoos on people who’ve only ever been to the seaside like 3 times in their entire lives. Additionally, the city hopes to retrofit their gunshot detectors to make them pick-up the sounds of Taylor Swift music coupled with cries of “She just sooo gets me” to improve their anti-Basic Bitch response time.

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