New Study Shows 90% Of Millennial Murder Victims Don’t Own A House

Homeownership is the quintessential part of the American dream. It’s not just a purchase or an investment. It’s a rite of passage and a test of character. When you OWN a house, you have to take care of it on your own, tend to it, and someday maybe even pass it on to your descendants. That’s how you build legacies. But a new study from the Gedoff Mylawn Research Center has shown that over 90% of murdered millennials do not currently own any real-estate.

Some people cite economic disadvantage or personal preference to explain why thousands of rotting millennial corpses aren’t keen on becoming homeowners but can a lack of work ethic also be to blame? According to the study’s lead researcher Boomer McOldy, “being dead” is just an excuse that too many young people nowadays fall upon. “In my day, a guy from Craigslist locking and starving you to death in their secret sub-basement was no excuse to stop getting on with your life. My own brother was murdered by Jeffrey Dahmer but did he whinge on about it? No. He pulled himself up by his bootstraps and went on to become the shift supervisor at his local racism factory. Why can’t modern millennials do that?”

But it’s equally possible that this new generation of cadavers simply has different life-goals. Nowadays, young corpses tend to mainly be preoccupied with decaying and becoming one with the Earth. Environmentalism has become a big part of millennial culture, which might explain why so many are satisfied with their tiny, shallow graves out in forests of New Jersey instead of spending thousands of dollars on housing. In a survey conducted by the Gedoff Mylawn Research Center, however, every polled 60+-year-old blamed the falling real-estate prices around the country on millennial laziness. Also the internet.

There is some truth to that. With the internet, it’s easier for millennials to explore, travel, and get murdered in locations literally anywhere in the world. They simply have more options than buying a house in their old neighborhood and eventually being bludgeoned to death during a home invasion by a tweeker named Needle. Nowadays, over 30% of American millennials are buried in foreign cemeteries. Usually in mass graves because no one was able to identify them without a face. Those are just some reasons why modern, hip murder victims are not too interested in owning their own house.

We reached out to a few dead millennials lying in puddles of their own blood in alleyways for their thoughts on the study, but they had no comments to offer.

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