You Are What You Eat So I’ve Only Been Eating Gold To Get Rich

I can’t believe no one thought of this before. We all know the saying: “you are what you eat,” and, obviously, every saying ever is true. They must be. I started throwing apples at my doctor whenever I saw him and, now, we LEGALLY have to keep away from each other. Since that’s out of the way, let me tell you about my foolproof retirement plan. It involves me eating gold to turn myself into a literal money-making machine.

The way I see it… if I EAT the gold, then soon I will turn myself into gold. Once that’s done, I’ll be able to pay for groceries by cutting my toenails or buy a brand-new car by taking a shit. With enough time, I should be the richest person alive!

My plan started with me finding all the gold in my house: jewelry, electronic parts, what have you, and melting it all into swallow-size tablets. Then, I went out to get more gold. I pawned stuff, haggled, collected cell phones I found on the ground, and soon, I got enough to go on a full-gold diet. Then came the waiting. I was pretty hungry over the next few days but I pushed through it, reminding myself that soon I will be able to afford all the food I wanted simply by plucking some of my hair. True, a lot of it started to fall away in huge clumps, but I reckoned that it will grow back, and then it’s going to be Pawn City, baby!

Besides, I stopped worrying about my hair loss once my lymph nodes started to swell to twice their normal size. “JACKPOT!”, I thought to myself. As soon as I’m a golden golem, I’ll just have the extra tissue removed and that should be enough to pay for treatment at the Mayo Clinic to see why my kidneys have been hurting so much lately.

Finally, after two weeks of eating gold, I started seeing signs of progress as my skin started turning blue-ish gray, just like silver. I assume the process of turning my whole body into gold involved first turning it into silver and then into gold. I suppose it’s easier to go from one metal to another. I think it’s the first rule of thermo-alchemy or something. In any case, I was super excited. Also: nauseous.

Finally, today, it happened. I turned into a human made from gold. I was rich. Then, I noticed Barack Obama was there to make me the new President of the United States. The roof then opened revealing a chorus of angels congratulating me for toughing it out. Then my vision started to tunnel and I became very sleepy. I think I’ll just close my eyes for a minute…

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