The late Queen frontman Freddie Mercury is widely recognized as one of the greatest vocalists in history. But that’s not all he was. According to international research from Slovenia, Vanuatu, and Angola, Freddie Mercury’s vocal range surpassed that of ordinary humans, allowing him to hurl loud, incoherent insults at squirrels unlike any other person in history.
An analysis of all available public interviews with Mercury revealed that although he was known for his tenor vocals, he typically screamed that squirrels were “fucking bushy tree rats” in a baritone voice. This ability to jump out of his base range whenever he wasn’t threatening to throw rocks at the squirrels ruining his beloved garden was most likely due to Mercury’s ability to employ subharmonics, i.e. vibrating both his ventricular and vocal folds at the same time. This means Freddie Mercury could flawlessly alternate between singing all of Queen’s greatest hits and telling every squirrel within hearing radius to get utterly and absolutely fucked.
Moreover, the singer’s amazing ability to adapt his laryngeal configuration would have allowed him to creep up trees and scream messed-up, nightmare-inducing things at the sleeping squirrels in an amazing range of notes. From the booming low of F#2 to the high pitch G5, Mercury is probably the only person ever who could traumatize the little tree rodents in three full octaves! Of course, range was just one of Mercury’s vocal skills.
His vibrato, for instance, was much faster than anything you’ll hear in music today. While a typical person will fluctuate between 5.4 Hz and 6.9 Hz to roar at a squirrel that its spouse is cheating on it while it rummages through your trash like a moron, Mercury was able to do it at a massive 7.04 Hz. Even most opera singers couldn’t achieve that, which the research team confirmed by releasing a herd of squirrels with knives tied to their backs in Plácido Domingo’s home. His yells to “get the little puffy fuckers off [him]” didn’t even come close to what Mercury could achieve with his voice.
The study, published in the journal of Get The Fucked, You Bucktoothed Vermin, concluded that Freddie Mercury had a voice that could only be described as “a force of nature with the velocity of a hurricane, matched only by his intense, some would say insane hatred for squirrels.”