New Year, New You: How To Deal With Being Replaced By Your Superior Clone

2019 is going to bring a lot of change into everyone’s lives. Some will be good, some bad, and some will lie somewhere in between, like the arrival of your physically and intellectually superior clone to take over your life. A lot of people will naturally try to resist it (and die in the process) but that’s only because they don’t fully understand it. Let’s try to change that by shedding some light on the event:

It Won’t Just Happen Overnight

Once You 2.0 arrives, you will be expected to carry its expensive luggage to your old room. No, of course it won’t be wearing any of your old clothes. The new you actually knows how to dress. In any case, once that is done, the clone kills you and disposes of your body, right? That’s what most people think and too many jump the gun right there and then by swallowing cyanide to go out on their own terms.

But their job still isn’t done. Someone still needs to show the clone around your filthy house, get it up to speed on your horrible financial situation, and introduce it to your family. You’ll also be asked to witness the first time the clone fucks your (well, their) spouse. We don’t know why they require it. We think they somehow feed on shame and sadness. You may masturbate but not to completion.

Start Eating Better

Not only will a change in your diet help you keep up with your chores during the transition period, it might even convince your clone to cut out some of your organs for spare parts. That way, a PART of you will survive for hundreds of years because with its superior genome, eating habits, and physique, your clone’s guaranteed to live and keep banging your spouse at least until its 200th birthday.

You’re Going To Have To Ask Yourself Some Tough Questions

The cloning process still isn’t perfect, so your doppelganger might not have all of your memories and will need to ask you some questions. So when they summon you, take your chains in your hands (they really do hate their rattling sounds) and go fill them in. Some question will of course be designed to humiliate you, like “Why would you allow an elementary school child to bully you throughout high school?” but others will be genuine. “Why didn’t you speak up? Why didn’t you help? Why didn’t you call? Why this face?” After you’re done crying, try to answer them as best as you can.

Do Not Be Afraid

No, it’s not weird to be attracted to your own clone. It’s basically masturbation.

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