Christmas Cooking Tips For Atheists

With SIR ISAAC NEWTON’S BIRTHDAY approaching (yeah, what are you gonna do about it?) it is once again time for joy and forgiveness although not really because it’s all arbitrary and relies heavily on social contract enforced by the threat of becoming a pariah. More than that, though, it’s time to cook the traditional Winter Solstice feast that Christian co-opted from the pagans. But how to do that without losing your Level 10 Atheist license? Like so:


Remember that, much like the Bible, Christmas recipes aren’t meant to be taken literally. For example, although Christmas mashed potatoes are traditionally stirred with a giant crucifix, you can just use a wooden spoon instead. Same for the traditional crucifix-stuffed turkey. No one is stopping you from using regular, store-bought stuffing. Crucifix casserole? Substitute with green beans. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to eat ANY crucifixes this year.


Tired of flying every year to the Vatican so that the Pope can bless your Christmas dinner that you later eat, cold, at the airport? Then… don’t. The Pope is just a man, after all. As such, you can get anyone, even *ugh* an agnostic to sprinkle water over the yams before you eat them. Not only will it save you hundreds of dollars in airfare, it will free you up to do more important work, like rearranging your My Little Pony collection.


Since you know wine doesn’t really represent the blood of Jesus (who was born in SPRING, you yell as you orgasm), you can drink it any way you want during Christmas dinner. No longer will you need to fill the traditional rubber Jesus doll with wine then cut its wrist and collect it into a glass. You can, say, soak it up with a tampon and then stick it up your ass. You can connect yourself to a wine IV. You can even filter it through pages torn from The God Delusion (no worries, you own extra copies) to infuse it with a little bit more intellect. What do you care? It’ not actually God Juice.

Fuck Your Fish Before Cooking Them

YOU ARE A SERIOUS ATHEIST! You don’t care at ALL about religion! You spit on tradition and all that superstition! You DON’T believe that fish is the original symbol of Christ. That is why you are going to fuck the whole cod your mom bought for Christmas dinner. Hold steady. Don’t puke. Just take out your dick and put it in the fish’s mouth. Yeah. Now do your thing. Think about My Little Pony. Ignore your mother’s scream. Shrug off your brother’s punches. Just… do… your… thing *HNNNNG* There. An atheist Christmas dinner has been achieved!

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