Um, No, I Totally “Earned” My Trust Fund

I’m just so tired of all those lazy liberals telling me that I never actually worked for my money, that I just got it all from my rich parents. It’s insane. It’d make me so mad if emotions weren’t just things that movies have in order to move the story along. They aren’t real. But you know what is real? All the effort I’ve put into EARNING my trust fund.

For one, I had to pretend that I love my parents. I have no idea why they insisted on keeping up this ruse all day every day, but I played my part and acted like their lives (which, just to remind you, were NOT mine) had any real value. To their credit they really put the effort in as well. You could almost believe they saw me as a person and not a resource to exploit when they looked at me.

I’ve heard poor families sometimes do this exercise, too, though I have no idea why. For me, it definitely honed my acting skills but I doubt people outside my tax bracket ever need to give convincing alibies to the police or “cry” when they fish the butler’s body out of the lake. But my point is that my entire childhood was like a never-ending theater performance of pure fancy and make-belief. Acting like I loved my parents was like having to pretend I saw a magic unicorn that could smile without having to practice it first in front of a mirror. And I had to do that for years.

Also, I eventually stopped killing the butlers, and that must be worth something. My parents paid me when I stopped killing the neighborhood cats, and a butler is worth at least 10 cats. So, no, I most definitely DID earn my money.

Most importantly, if you were born poor, you only have yourself to blame. You should have chosen to be born rich back in Heaven. I firmly believe that before we’re born, we get to choose the lives we will live on Earth, like choosing a difficulty level on all those murder games that are the only way for me to achieve an erection anymore. You chose yourself to play on Hard mode so please don’t complain to me for going with Easy. I’m not here for the challenge. I’m just here for a good, murderection-fueled time.

How do I know all that to be true? Great question. See, I recently realized that I am God. All of human morality is so alien to me because I’m a higher being, descended here from Heaven to pass judgement on all mortals (but mostly butlers) as I see fit. Nothing in life so far has convinced me otherwise and it’s what makes the most sense. So, really, all the money in the world belongs to me, yet I’m only keeping a very small portion of it for myself. Because I’m a merciful God. As long as you don’t test me.

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