So You’re Sexually Attracted To The Froot Loops Toucan

It happens to all of us. It’s morning, you’re enjoying your cereal, then you notice the box of Froot Loops with Toucan Sam on it and, well, suddenly you’re not able to get up from the table in front of your family. Because of the giant erection. Of your penis. Or vagina, as the case may be, unless all those anime lied to me. Anyhow, we all eventually have to deal with a sudden, inexplicable attraction to the Froot Loops bird but… is it really that inexplicable?

Fame is a powerful aphrodisiac and Sam is hands down the most famous cereal bird in the world. Who else can challenge him on the field of sexual attraction? Cocoa Puffs’ Sonny? Omitting his obvious meth habit, that goofy-looking fucker would need to be drenched in the blood of your freshly-killed childhood pets to be merely considered the abortion of erections. Sam, on the other hand, is calm, easy-going, and a total charmer. It’s totally natural to want him to ram his giant beak down the orifice of your choice until he reaches the color red.

Plus, I don’t have to tell you what they say about guys with big noses.

Still, those are all surface reasons. The most important thing is that Toucan Sam is a) available, and b) a family man at heart. We’re always seeing him with his three nephews, being a father figure to them in the absence of their deadbeat dad (Sonny, I assume). That is the kind of cartoon bird whose eggs you want to hatch. If you can’t have eggs on your own, you can always adopt from the local supermarket and Sam would still LOVE THEM LIKE HIS OWN BECAUSE THAT IS JUST THE KIND OF CARING, WARM BIRD THAT HE IS!

But you better snap out of it right now, people. You can’t fuck Toucan Sam. Not without falling in love, and it would never work out between you. He has his career and, despite how much he may care for you, he will never quit it. He’s been at the cereal game since 1963; he can’t change now. Actually, he hasn’t changed at all since his TV debut. He looks basically the same as he did more than half a century ago. It’s almost… unnatural. Almost as if he was… feeding on the lifeforce of people that fall for him. Wait, how did you get in his house? You don’t remember coming here. Wait again, why are you attracted to a goddamn cartoon bird in the first place? Your head hurts. You feel… hypnotized or someth… And that’s when everything goes black, and the last thing you see is a giant, colorful beak full of sharp teeth going straight for your neck.

Toucan Sam is satisfied until the next feeding cycle.

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