Every parent knows that there’s nothing more frustrating and time-consuming than getting your children to do some work around the house. A chore wheel can help a lot with that. By having everyone spin a wheel to determine their task for the day, you will turn the entire thing into a fun game that the whole family can get into. For maybe a minute. Come on. A chore wheel can’t compete with your kids’ Duty of Battlefield Honor-stein: Origins or whatever. Where’s the challenge? Where’s the risk? Where is the feeling of danger that makes you feel alive?! That’s when the snakes come in.
Simply add a new item to the chore wheel labeled “SNAKES” and you will have instantly changed the game. Everyone’s first thought will be: “W-what does that mean?” They’ll naturally try to laugh it off as some kind of joke but they’ll soon see that you’re dead serious as you simply keep smiling and asking them to spin the wheel.
All sorts of scenarios will start playing in their heads. Maybe it’s a punishment. A punishment where you have to… touch a snake? “No, just look at that crazy bastard’s stone-cold face. It’s like staring into the mouth of an industrial kitten grinder. This will not end so easily. Oh God, the punishment is being locked in a room full of snakes. IS THAT WHAT HE’S BEEN WORKING ON IN THE GARAGE ALL THIS TIME?!” As a bonus, this should also keep your kids from wandering off into the garage and finding the stash of dog-eared Playboys underneath your work bench.
Even the best-case, imagined scenario should make your kids piss their pants in a futile effort to fight off the cold-sweat chills the chore wheels will be giving them. At best, the snakes can be a new chore, but what kind of chore? Get rid of snakes? Feed snakes? Probably not fight snakes… right? If you were to fight a snake, you wouldn’t even know where to hit it. The neck is the obvious weak spot of most animals but snakes are ALL NECK! Or… or are they all tail? Dear God, they’re unbeatable. They’re nature’s perfect killing machine so what the fuck can you do against them?!
And the best part is, you won’t have to say any of that. You’ll let your kids’ wild imagination do all this for you until every spin of the wheel starts to feel like a game of preteen Russian Roulette. With just a few minor modifications to make sure the wheel never actually lands on “SNAKES,” you’ll have your newly-minted danger junkies camping out in front of the chore wheels for days to have another crack at it. By the end of the week, your entire house and car will be absolutely spotless for the low, low price of your children’s sanity.