How To Eat A Burrito Like A Complete Goddamn Lunatic

A burrito really is the pinnacle of cooking. Name any other food that comes in its own, edible wrapper, other than crunchy goo balls (I think they’re called “eggs” in the U.S.) You can’t. The best part is that there are hundreds of ways to make a burrito, and the bestest part is that there are even more ways to eat one like an unhinged crazy person. Look, the whole world is one gigantic prison yard and, sometimes, you have to show everyone that if a psychic ever read your mind, they’d piss their pants and then jump off a bridge. And the easiest way to do it is by jamming a burrito into your face hole in a way only a totally psychotic monster would, like so:

Eat It Like Corn On The Cob, You Freak

Stop holding that burrito vertically. It’s not a dick and you are not your mother behind the dumpster of the local 7-11. You’re the person nobody wants to mess with and you eat your edible fleshlight horizontally. Go from left to right in tiny bites like a human typewriter powered by pure unbridled madness or start off with one giant munch in the middle. No matter what you do, remember to never break eye contact with the terrified people around you. Do not blink.

Slather That Bastard In Mustard Because You Fear No Man

While there are many ways to make a burrito, only someone with nothing to lose and at least two knives strapped to his ankles would add mustard to it. Don’t you skimp out on it, too. Make that burrito glisten with mustard until it resembles a gigantic nugget of gold that people would gladly trade for never having to watch you eat again. For added effect, start off by licking the mustard off your burrito like a lollipop that makes people lose their faith in a loving, benevolent creator.

Open It Up And Pretend It’s A Pizza. Death Comes For Us All

Most people would be more comfortable seeing you circumcise their grandfather with your teeth than you opening up your burrito, spreading all the contents flat on the tortilla, and then cutting it into triangles like a nightmarish faux-pizza. But that is precisely why you have to do it. People need reminding that the heat death of the universe is coming, which means all of this is meaningless and that WE decide what “good” and “evil” even mean in this world. Visionaries are often called “mad” by those who refuse to stare STRAIGHT INTO THE SUN!


You are sentient water piloting a bone-and-flesh mechasuit powered by ELECTRICITY! No one tells you that you cannot use utensils to eat your burrito. No law can forbid you from making that utensil a spoon! No God can stop you from sprinkling broken-up crackers on it. Are you pretending it’s clam chowder? Are you just cuckoo-banana insane? Those are just some of the questions people will have as they run from you, tears streaming down their faces and praying to every deity they can think of that you do not gaze their way. But there are no Gods. There is just you and your twisted lunch. You are the master of everything. The universe is within you. As is your burrito. But the way it got there is your story, which future generations will record in the Dark Bible. Hail Burrito.

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