Getting into yoga might seem a little overwhelming at first. There is a lot of history and philosophy behind it all but if you stick with it, there are many benefits you can get from this ancient Indian discipline. Except getting back with Susan. Flexibility? Of course. But not Susan. A mental health boost? Absolutely, unless you mean from Susan leaving her new boyfriend Mark and admitting that she WAS in love with you the entire time you were together. We gotta be honest. The most yoga can do for you is maybe getting rid of that backpain you’ve been dealing with lately but, hey… it’s better than nothing, right?
The Corpse Pose
Despite its name, the Corpse Pose is sure to breathe new life into you. You start by lying on your back and letting your feet fall to their sides. Next, turn your palms upwards and clear your mind, not focusing on anything, especially on how, in hindsight, those hickey-like marks on Susan’s neck probably weren’t tiny bruises she got from sneaking into Baby Fight Club. Please wait for the instructor to tell you when you can sit back up and stare blankly at the wall without blinking, trying to hold back the tears.
The Mountain Pose
Though it may seem like simply standing up, the Mountain Pose teaches you all the fundamentals of yoga like balance and a strong connection to the ground beneath you. It, however, cannot do anything to stop the colors of the setting sun from reminding you of Susan’s hair or the time you stayed up until morning just talking about everything and nothing. Please remember to take many deep breaths to fool yourself that you aren’t completely dead inside.
Lie on your stomach, then use your hands to push yourself up, raising the top half of your body. Repeat this a couple of times, just like how you kept repeating that the two of you will definitely take that pottery class one day. Only here, the exercise ends with you gaining more suppleness instead of Mark getting to roleplay Ghost with Susan. Goddammit, that was YOUR movie. Your movie…
The Child’s Pose
Start off by sitting on your heels. Next, stretch your arms forward and touch your forehead to the ground. This is one of the most important relaxation positions in all of yoga. It relieves tension and stress, unless you concentrate on the fact that you’re performing it on the same yoga mat that Susan got you for your birthday. Actually, it still kind of smells like her because she ended up using it when you refused to. This was her trying to salvage your relationship, man, and you blew it.
The great benefit of this pose is that no one can see you crying while you’re performing it.
The Bent Elbow
With your arm in an L shape, hold on to your mug of beer, then bring it up to your face and drink from it. Repeat it until you convince yourself that the breakup was the best thing that happened to you and that there are plenty of other fish in the sea. You know you’re doing it wrong when you end up texting Susan, begging her to take you back.