Startup Pitches That Almost Got Me Kicked Out Of Silicon Valley

If there’s one thing that everyone knows about Silicon Valley, it’s that Elon Musk rubs his penis on the door-handle of every Tesla that comes off his assembly line. If there are two things, it’s that there is no such thing as a stupid idea down in Sili-Vay, as nobody calls it. The entire place has been built on the principle of innovation and thinking outside the box, where notions of all kind are welcomed. I know that because I still haven’t been kicked out of there despite my NUMEROUS attempts to test Silicon Valley’s patience. These are just some of the startup pitches that helped me do it:


Secret Pickle

“Everybody loves a pickle, but don’t you wish there was an element of surprise to it? With Secret Pickle, we hide the preserved cucumber inside your house while you sleep and then let you look for it! Is it under your pillow or inside a Bible we hollowed out? That’s for YOU to find out!”


MyNutritionCoach

“Dieting has never been simpler with the new MyNutritionCoach service where a guy named Jurgen beats the SHIT out of you if you even think about having a snack. Do not try to fight back. That only makes Jurgen angrier. Jurgen also now lives in your house. Again, please do not try to fight him on that. Just eat your fucking lettuce and smile.”


Spectral Tinder

“HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO FUCK A GHOST?!”


Dognapped

“Animals are more than just pets. For many of us, they’re family. So just imagine how much your dick of a neighbor will suffer when his best friend goes missing one day. That’s what Dognapped is all about: delivering the most exquisite form of mental anguish this side of Comcast.”


Spiderz

“Is your house full of spiders? We can help. Does your house have too few spiders? We can help with that too. Do… do you want to EAT a goddamn spider? Fuck, we can make that happen as well. You want spiders in any of your other orifices? It’s not our place to judge. Just wire us the money in advance and we. Will. Make. It. Happen, you beautiful mistake of nature.”


PayMe

“Do you sometimes find it hard to give me money? Don’t you wish it would be easier to just give me money? Well, wish no longer. With PayMe, the brand-new financial app that syncs with all your bank accounts, you can now wire me, and only me, all the money you want with one simple push of a button. PayMe: It’s payday. But only for me.”


Fuck It I Don’t Know… Let’s Call It The Good App

“So… like, you know how when you, like, can’t breathe well because of a cold but then your sinuses unclog for a second and it feels amazing? Well, what if we did that but on… the internet? God, I don’t’ know, I’m so hungover. Why are these lights so loud?”


Shklond

“It’s the new hip thing! Everyone is talking about Shklond! Kids are using it, maybe. Adults love it, possibly. What is it? It’s Shklond! It’s… on the cloud! It has market integration. It’s fuel efficient? SHKLOND! Does it help you give up smoking? Enough with the questions! Shklond!”


Sky Meth

“It’s not technically dealing drugs if we use drones, right? Right.”

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