Work. It’s a pretty great place to get paid for pooping outside of a German porn video, but what makes it unbearable are all the people there. “Hate” is a strong word, which is why it’s perfect for describing what you feel for all your coworkers. If only there was a way to get everyone there to just leave you the fuck alone. Actually, it turns out there are FIVE of them:
Change Your Eating Habits
Starting today, the office breakroom, your cubicle, and your entire person will smell of your new favorite food: microwaved tuna. You’re going to eat it until people eventually stop asking: “OH GOD, WHAT STINKS?!” It’s you. It will always be you from now on. You’re going to eat so much goddamned microwaved tuna that your friends will start calling you Micro-T, only you won’t have any more friends. Microwaved tuna will be your only friend. That and all the stray cats that will start following you.
Get Creative With Boring Office Tasks
Someone needs to restock the paper in the copier and you’d rather face-fuck Fat Mike’s office chair in the summertime? Don’t despair. Simply go about it in a fun way. Instead of regular copier paper, use naked photos of your coworkers’ mothers. If you don’t have any on hand, just Google them. Or write funny little notes on the copier paper like “Help, I’m trapped inside the machine” or the addresses of the kindergartens that your coworkers’ children go to. With time, people will ask you to not even go near the copier.
Bring Snacks To Work
Nothing says “In case of a fire, I’m pushing you all out of my way and barricading the door behind me” better than a dozen freshly baked donuts with everyone’s names and predicted causes of death written on them in icing.
Make Your Cubicle A You-bicle!
So, you announced to the entire office that you legally married your stapler but instead of stockpiling pencils to use as makeshift Wolverine claws for when you eventually snap, they have… questions? Congratulations? Stories about the time they fucked their three-hole punch? You clearly underestimated these weirdos. Time to bring out the big guns.
Officially declare that your cubicle is now a monarchic micronation, possibly named the Kingdom of KarenfromHRsucks. Now, you’ll still do office work in exchange for foreign aid (or what the colonialists call “salary”) but other than that, you are now a sovereign state, and your cubicle should reflect that. Use old cardboard boxes to build ramparts around your new kingdom. Use coffee (or urine) to construct a moat. Print currency exclusively featuring tasteful nudes of yourself and throw them at your coworkers while yelling “Back, peasants, back!” Finally, make belching the entire alphabet after eating garlic fries the official anthem of the Kingdom of KarenfromHRsucks, threatening to call the ACLU if anyone tries to stop you from performing it every hour.
Dress To Impress
If all else fails, construct a suit made entirely out of baby pictures. Don’t answer any questions about where did you get pictures of your coworkers’ babies. Just go about your day as if there was nobody around you. Pretty soon, there really won’t be.