Sometimes, life comes at you fast. Before you know it, you find yourself owning a house, having a family, and owing $70,000 to some very scary people because gambling on human life is the only way you can get an erection anymore. We’ve all been there and everyone’s first instinct in those situations is always to fake your own funeral but this is where a lot of people make the most mistakes. Boris the Butcher is no fool. He’s seen the same ruse done hundreds of times so if you want to get out of this with your skull still roughly skull-shaped, here are a few things you should be mindful of:
First, the coffin. You might be thinking that you don’t want to spend too much money on a casket for a FAKE funeral, so you will probably end up getting some cheap pine box lined with burlap sacks and elephant toilet straw. But you’re not thinking this through and, most importantly, neither would your grief-stricken friends and family. They would be the ones to organize your funeral and the idea of losing you would destroy them emotionally to such a degree that they’d never worry about a little thing like money. No, they’d get you the deluxe mahogany model with silk cushions and custom brass works from Italy, the price of which they wouldn’t be able to see clearly because of all the tears in their stupid eyes.
Of course, you don’t want to have your actual family at the funeral. If you remember correctly, you’ve introduced yourself to Boris as Max Sexhaver, the childless millionaire playboy who doesn’t need to watch gladiator-style combat to get it up. So an appearance of a middle-aged suburban housewife and three bawling children at the funeral would just confuse Boris, and when Boris gets confused, he gets chop-you-into-little-pieces-and-feed-them-to-his-dogs…ly. Actors are your best bet, and you can actually have some fun here by hiring professional impersonators. Have a Ruth Bader Ginsburg lookalike yell that you were the best she ever had. Have a fake Tom Hanks tell Boris he considered suicide after seeing the size of your penis in the men’s room. Make a faux Rush Limbaugh and Bernie Sanders make out heavily. Much like Boris’s betting parlor, there are no limits here!
Next is the food. You want to keep it classy but not TOO classy because if Boris thinks you died rich, he might want to ruffle through your corpse’s pockets and even pull out a few gold fillings. One word, my friend: crudites. Looks and sounds fancy enough but on closer inspection, it’s just raw vegetables with some ranch dressing. Perfect for keeping Boris from snooping around and finding out your casket is actually full of old cabbages.
Finally, you’ll want to think about the cause of your fictional death. To most people, death is the ultimate get-out-of-grizzly-death-free card, but to certain Russians who you are pretty sure were a secret KGB experiment to cross a man with a bear, death isn’t the answer. It’s a question, with a prolonged and disturbing answer. So what will your guests tell Boris about your demise? Remember we’re thinking long-term here so the obvious answer is to say you were killed by your identical twin brother after you stole his gf, who is also Scarlett Johansson’s breast double. That way, you can walk up to Boris after the funeral as your own brother and bet another $10,000 on Chainsaw Hank during next week’s Thunderdome Massacre because you have a really good feeling about it this time.