Fashion Tips To Keep Your Man Guessing About Where You’ve Imprisoned Him

Relationships aren’t static. They are living, breathing things that thrive on variety and surprise whether you’ve been dating for a week or you’ve been married for 10 years or you’ve illegally imprisoned your boyfriend in a secret location after too many late nights with his “coworker” Janice. It’s especially true about that last one where total control of your partner’s life can easily give place to complacency. Here are a few fashion tips to help keep things interesting down in the Hole of Suffering.

The Right Hat Can Make ALL The Difference

When the heavy steel doors open and warm sunlight starts to flood his dark, damp cell, you’ll briefly have all his undivided attention, which you need to take advantage of. Have you considered alternating between a light, summer sombrero and a heavy Russian ushanka fur-hat? Not only will it give you a chance to have some fun accessorizing your changing attires, it will also confuse the hell out of him about what part of the world you are right now, and also start messing with his perception of time.

Days will start to seem like months while months will fly by as fast as seconds. Soon he may even start to wonder: “Have I always been here? Has it always been this way?” And if he’s thinking these thoughts, you KNOW he’s not thinking about that skank Janice.

Makeup – The More Elaborate The Better

When you’re handing him his daily portion of bread and water, make sure to show off your nails painted in a variety of vibrant colors. Then, before you leave, give him a coy wink so he gets a good look at your immaculate eyelashes and blushed cheeks. This will get him going: “Did she bring a whole make-up case with her and is living somewhere in this Hell, or is she commuting from her home? If it’s the latter, then we are within driving distance of a city… and that means people! People that may stumble upon this prison. People that might hear me if I scream loud enough!” And that’s what we’re after: hope.

Hope that will keep him going through the cold nights, the loneliness, and the times you accidentally forgot about his dinner because it was the season finale of The Bachelor.

Here’s A Fun, Crazy Idea: A Trench Coat

Living on a barge in the middle of the ocean and waiting for your man to start treating this relationship seriously might seem like the perfect opportunity to model all the cool beachwear you’ve been sitting on. But hold on for now. First, remember that a glamorous two-part bathing suit that reveals more than it covers in a tasteful way has little place to store your gun. So why not a trench coat? He’ll think “What is she hiding underneath that?” Could be nothing (wink). Could be a gun. Hell, could be two guns or a rabid snake tied to a stick. He’ll never know, and that will keep him calm and controlled while you’re busy emptying his toilet bucket.

A trench coat is also great for hiding a lifejacket underneath, which will come in handy after you realize you never turned off his GPS-enabled smartphone and the Coast Guard starts closing in on you. You won’t want to waste any time then to jump over board and make a swim for it towards land. You won’t make it but you will have the knowledge that you tried to save your relationship and that’s the only thing that truly matters.

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